Confused
by StellaZura
Summary: 'What are these thoughts racing through my mind' 'Why is my heart beating so fast' 'What could this be' Will I ever be able to answer these question? I am determined to, even if the answer is not what I'm expecting it to be.
1. Chapter 1

_'What is this feeling?' I wonder as I clutch my chest slightly, feeling my rapid heartbeat through my clothes, 'My chest feels like it's constricting in on itself, like there's some burning deep, down inside. I've never felt this feeling before.' My eyes slowly fluttered closed. 'Is it because of her?' I wonder, feeling my cheeks flush slightly just from thinking that. I open my eyes, "It couldn't be." Slips from my lips._

"Acchoo!" The sound of me sneezing interrupted the peaceful quiet around me as I walked to school one cold, December morning. Rubbing my nose, I thought to myself, 'I wonder who's talking about me.' I wrapped the fuzzy pink scarf tighter around my neck and tried to pull on my skirt slightly to try to cover more of my legs-with no success.

"Sayakaaa~!" I hear someone yell behind me.

I turn around, already knowing who that voice belonged to, "Kyouko, good morning." I replied to her enthusiastic greeting. "You know, it's nice that you came to greet me, but why are you here? You don't go to my school." I asked her, my eye-brow arched.

Kyouko cocked her head, looking over her shoulder, "There's a convience store over in that direction, and I thought I'd go get some breakfast." She explained, pointing to a store behind her.

I gave her a look, knowing that more-then-likely, Kyouko didn't have any money and was going to use her "five finger discount" to get her breakfast. "Have fun." I replied, dryly, putting on my fake smile.

Kyouko gave me one last, toothy grin, before turning around and running off. Strangely, for some reason, as I watched her figure running off, her green jacket fluttering behind her like a cape for a superhero, her thigh-hugging shorts foolishly uncovering her legs even though it was the dead of winter, I felt my cheeks flush hot.

Surprised and slightly embarrassed from these thoughts, I shook my head, trying to forget about it.

I looked back up just in time to see her trip and fall right on face. I almost wanted to run over there when- "Sayaka-chan~!" I hear coming towards me.

I look to my right and see Madoka Kaname running towards me, her cotton-candy pink pigtails whipping in the wind, her red ribbons, that tie up those pig-tails, bouncing up and down.

"What are you doing?" She asked me, smiling her cute, puppy-dog smile, "School's getting ready to start."

"Ah, sorry, I'll be right there." I replied, sheepishly.

As Madoka turned around, I sneaked one last peek back over to Kyouko to see her getting up and brushing herself off, looking around to make sure no one saw her. I couldn't help but smile and inwardly chuckle before running off to catch up to Madoka.

As we get in the classroom, I instantly spot Homura Akemi giving her usual cold stare my way. I smile nervously, "G-good morning, Akemi-san." I tell her.

Her expression never changes like it does every day, "Good morning to you, Miki-san." She replies, devoid of emotion.

I inwardly shuddered as I sit down in my seat, trying not to make any more eye-contact with her.

The teacher comes in, "Class is starting, students! Please get in your seats!" She instructs as she walks to the podium at the front of the room, and almost instantly starts off with complaining about some boy-friend who recently broke up with her.

Jeez, this is about the fourth man who's broken up with her.

Eventually, half-way through her crying I eventually fell asleep, because I was awoken when I heard a tapping sound at the window. I lifted my head off the desk to see Kyouko grinning like an idiot and furiously tapping at the window, seeing that it got my attention.

Remind you, my seat is spot in the middle of the room, so yes, many people saw her doing this, then looked at me after seeing that it was my attention she was trying to get.

Embarassed and confused, I quickly got up and ran out of the room, ignoring the teacher and Madoka's attempts to call me back. Running outside, I realized not wearing my coat or scarf was probably a bad idea as the wind decided to pick up at that moment.

"Ah! Finally found you! Man, this place is huge, it's like a maze!" I hear Kyouko yell as she runs up to me, her long candy-apple red hair, tied up in a messy pony-tail bobbing left-to-right.

"What are you doing here? Couldn't this have waited until _after_ school?" I asked, ignoring her comments.

She shook her head, "No, because I wanted to give you this before I forgot." She replied.

She reached into the plastic bag and pulled out a red-delicious apple. She grabbed my hand and gently put the apple on my palm.

I looked confused, "What's this for?" I asked her, looking confused.

Kyouko smiled, " When we met earlier, I noticed you weren't carrying your usual bento that you always carry and I thought you'd want at least a little something to eat later." She explained.

_Ba-bump!_

"R-really?" I looked down at the apple, blushing slightly, "You didn't have to do that, though."

"Well that's what friends do for other friends, right?" Kyouko replied, grinning.

I chuckled, sheepishly, "Yeah, _real_ good friends." I said, my voice deflating at the end.

Kyouko turned to leave, "Oh yeah! I almost forgot, come by my hide-out later, I have something I want to give you." She told me, running towards the school entrance.

"E-eh? G-give me something?" I stuttered out, 'What could she have to give me?' I thought.

_This is getting interesting, my heart just might give out from beating like this all the time._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_'I'm scared. I feel like I'm betraying her trust by putting a fake smile on my face and acting like there's nothing wrong. She can never know, though, for she will hate me if she ever found out.' I chuckle bitterly, 'Heh, I'm the worst aren't I?' 'My heart hurts from keeping this in, like I could just start crying at any given moment. Why can't I have the power to read minds, then I could read her mind and find out what she's thinking about behind that goofy grin of hers.' A single tear runs down my cheek._

_'I can't keep this in, but I can't bear to let it out.' _

My breath appeared as white fog in front of my face as I stood in front of the apartment building where Kyouko was waiting for me. My heart raced as I thought of what awaited me. I gulped, 'Why am I freaking out? I'm just going up and visiting a friend-just a friend.' I thought, clenching my fists.

I stepped forward, going up the abandoned apartments creaky steps, when suddenly all these images of Kyouko ran through my head.

Her handing me the apple that she picked especially for me; her running toward me, grinning like a little kid; her tripping and comically falling on her face.

I gulped, hard, 'I can't do this.' I thought, stopping on the top step, 'I must be the biggest chicken ever, aren't I, Kyouko?' I sighed, smiling sadly.

I was getting ready to turn tail and run, when I heard, "Hey, Sayaka~!" A loud voice yelled above me.

I looked up to see Kyouko looking down at me from an upper window, a pocky stick lazily hanging from her mouth. "You got some guts, making me wait and all." She told me, grinning, "I'm gonna come down there and show you up."

I sheepishly smiled, "O-ok." I replied back.

As she dissapeared back inside, I got a cold jolt up my back and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, roughing it up as I did so, "Why am I like this? I don't want any of this!" I exclaimed, frustrated beyond belief.

I collasped in on myself; tears ran down my cheeks and I felt faint, "I'm not strong, I can't handle these mixed feelings!" I sniffled, wrapping my arms around myself.

I looked at the apartment door, a whole new batch of tears appearing, "I'm really sorry, Kyouko." I whispered.

I then proceeded to run off, not even knowing where I was headed to, just realizing that it was too awkward for me to stay and act like there was nothing wrong.

After a few minutes of non-stop running, which I will admit got more then a few stares from random strangers, I practically collapsed on a bench in a nearby park.

Leaning back, draping my arm over my face, grinning sardonically, I mumbled to myself, "Some friend I am."

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I know, I'm being jerked forward and a concerned looking Kyouko is staring at me, shivering from the cold. "What the hell, Sayaka? When I came downstairs, you weren't there, scared the hell outta me!" She exclaimed.

I thought I was still half asleep, and that this was all a bad dream, but was snapped out of it when I saw Kyouko's hurt and dejected face, her brows furrowed with confusion as to what was really going on.

"Kyouko..." I mumbled under my breath.

Suddenly, she pulls me up to my feet by my collar, a ferocious glint in her eyes, "Why are you avoiding me like I'm the plague? I've done nothing wrong to you!" She exclaimed, the glint dissapearing slightly and a more hurt look was taking over.

My heart broke, because I never wanted to intentionally want to hurt her, but it was hard not to when I kept avoiding her.

I lowered my head and bit my lip, "Kyouko, I...I don't think we can see each other anymore." I told her, afraid to lift my head to avoid her seeing my tears falling.

Everything was quiet for a moment, and I thought that she was going to give up and go home, when suddenlly, I feel a cold, sharp pain and I go down hard. With me now on the ground, I look up at Kyouko and realized- that she had punched me.

She looked like she was on the verge of tears, and there was a slight tinge of red on her cheeks, "What are you talking about? What reason do you have for saying this? I haven't done anything to you and you haven't done anything to me!" She yelled, the tears now flowing.

She kneeled down and looked me right in the eye, and when I tried to look away, she grabbed my face and made it so our eyes locked, "This isn't right, you're speaking nonsense here. The past few days, you've been acting strange, like you're not even you anymore. I need the Sayaka that I know and love back. I need the Sayaka that's my friend back!" She told me, sniffling and her voice cracking.

_'What's going on? She generally concerned about me, nobody's ever been like this towards me.'_

My eyes darted away, "It's not that simple, I can't just say what it is so easily." I replied.

Kyouko's face contorted in anger,"And why not?" She exclaimed, standing back up. She walked a few steps away and turned around, not even able to look at me, "I'd be able to tell you anything if I had a secret, and you know why? Because you're my friend and I trust you." She explained.

She turned around and walked back over to me, "And this is proof of that." She reached into her pocket and pulled out something silver in her balled-up fist.

She took my hand and placed whatever it was into it. I realized that it was a silver rosary with cubic zirconia's around the edges and a multi-colored beaded chain. "W-what is this?" I asked, confused.

Kyouko looked at me, "That was my mothers' rosary. It's the one thing that I found of hers after she died, that's why I called you over." She told me.

My eyes widened, and I gasped, looking back down at the precious item, "Kyouko! I-I can't except this, it's way to precious to you!" I exclaimed, taken aback from al this.

"That's exactly why I wanted to give it to you in the first place! You are the first person to accept me for who I was and am. The only person I would trust my entire life to, that's the reason why, Sayaka." She said, blushing slightly.

My face couldn't help but smile at the thought of someone believing and trusting in me that much. I clutched the rosary, "Thank you..." I mumbled, embarrassed at myself.

Kyouko smiled, "That's my Sayaka!" She then pointed to her cheek, "Now, here. Punch me."

My eyes widened, "Huh? W-what? Punch you?" I asked, incredulous.

Kyouko continued to point to her face, "It's only fair because I punched you, and it'll make everything right again." She explained.

"I-I can't do that!" I exclaimed, "I don't feel right doing that to you!"

Kyouko put a finger to her chin like she was thinking, "Hmm, well if you won't do it first, I'll just have to-" And with that, interupting her own sentace, she lashed out and punched me sqare across my left cheek.

I fell back and tumbled a bit before resting against the park bench. I groaned and rubbed my cheek, "And what the hell was that?" I yelled.

By now we were atracting more then a few glaces from passerbys.

She smirked, "Now you have a reason to punch me back-I just punched you twice!" She told me, standing over me.

I stumbled up, still holding my cheek, "You really want me to punch you, don't you?" I asked her, chuckling.

The smirk disappeared, "If you do that, I'll know that you accept me; that you trust me as well." She explained.

I looked at her for a second. I gulped, hard, "Alright, I'll do it." I replied.

I clenched my fist, "Uuuurryyaarrgghhh!" I jumped up and, yelling as loud as I could, lashed out and punched her as hard as I could.

I must've been stronger then I thought, because she went flying backwards and skidded a few inches before resting about five feet away from me. Still lying down, she opened her eyes and gave me her trademark "Kyouko" smile, "That's my girl." She said.

I walked over and knealed down, straddling Kyouko's stomach. Grabbing her sweatshirt by the neck, I looked down at her, frowning. She had a look of surprise on her face, since this wasn't part of her plan, "What are you doi-?" "Shut-up." I interupted her.

Her eyes widened, "What?"

"Do you really want to know what I've been hiding these past few days?" I asked her.

She looked confused, but then frowned, "Of course I do."

"Even if it might ruin our friendship?" I asked again.

Now she looked concerned, "I don't care, nothing you could say could chase me away from someone like you." She replied.

My heart sped up, rapidly, and I could feel the heat in my cheeks, before I took a deep breath and got ready to ruin everything, "I love you." I told her.

Kyouko was obviously caught off guard, "I-I..." She couldn't even find words to say.

I got off of her and scooted a few inches away, and hugged my knees, "You're speechless."

She stumbled up, "No, no! It's just that I don't exactly know how to respond to something like that-it's not everyday that your best-friend confesses their love to you." She stuttered, blushing red.

"Heh, well it's not every day that you confess your love to your best-friend, either!" I replied, chuckling sarcastically, hugging my knees tighter.

"I'm sorry, Sayaka, it's just that I've never had any experiance in something like this-I'm not sure how to answer you." She replied, "And I'm not sure if you'd like my answer or not."

I turned around, looking over at her, "I think I know your answer." I told her, my face blank.

"What are you talking about?" She asked, confused.

I laughed, "It's as obvious as that shocked look on your face-you don't feel the same way back, your body language is screaming it." I explained.

It was quiet for a few moments, and in those few minutes, I felt drops of rain start to fall, which made it even colder outside. Finally, Kyouko stood up and stumbled over to me. She collasped to her knees and leaned into my face, "I'm so sorry, Sayaka." Was all she could say, starting to cry.

I smiled, bitterly, "You don't have to be sorry, Kyouko." I replied.

She grabbed my hand, "Punch me again, please, make me forget about this moment." She partially pleaded.

I looked at her, shocked, "What? No! I'm not going to punch you!" I exclaimed.

She then put my hand up against the cheek that I had punched, just quietly sobbing for as long as I can remember, repeating "I'm sorry" over and over again, with the sound of the falling rain making for melancholy back-ground music.

A few weeks later, after the incident between Kyouko and I happened, it eventually died down. Things are still slightly awkward between us and we make sure not to get _too_ close to each other, but the heat-of-the-moment had simmered.

It was now January 1st, New Year's Day, and Kyouko, Madoka, Homura, an upperclassmen, Mami Tomoe, and I had planned to meet at the local shrine.

As I left the house, I adusted the collar on my pale blue kimono with white Tiger-lillies on it, and I was on my way. Walking down the road, I could see the crowd gathering for the event, some people in kimonos, some in regular clothes, and my heart started beating faster. Even though Kyouko and I were on better terms with each other now, I still had feelings for her, I still blushed slightly when I saw her walking down the road; my mind still went hazy at the thought of her, but I knew that if I wanted to continue being her friend, I had to supress those feelings.

I arrived at the shrine and started to make my way through the crowd. Unfortunatly for me, the crowd was much stronger then I was and they started pushing me back towards the gate. Suddenly, a hand reached out and grabbed my wrist and started pulling me towards them, through the crowd.

We pulled off to the side, next to a tree, where the crowd was thinner, and I was able to see my saviours face, "Kyouko!" I gasped, relieved and slightly embarrassed.

She smirked, "Saw you having a little trouble and jumped in to help. I guess you could call me your "knight in shining armor"." She joked, but then frowned at the poor choice of words.

I smiled, "Kyouko, it's alright, don't cut your words just because of me." I told her.

Her brows furrowed, "But it's my fault, I just couldn't-"

I interupted her, "Don't finish that, it's not your fault, it was me who even brought that up. I know and accept now that you will never return my love and one day I will eventually move on." I explained.

"But that's just it! I want to love you, I want to with all my heart!" She exclaimed, taking my hand, "But whenever I think about it, my heart just can't do it, I don't know why!"

I closed my eyes, still smiling, and took her other hand with my free hand, "It's alright, I believe that as long as I can be in your presence day in and day out, that's all I'll need to be content with life." I replied.

Kyouko blushed so red that it was in a close contrast with her dark-red kimono, "That's sweet, Sayaka." Was all she replied.

I started pulling her forward, "Hey, why don't we ditch the group and go around the shrine, just the two of us, and best-friends should?" I suggested.

"But won't everybody else wonder where we went to?" She asked, stumbling to keep up.

I shook my head, "Forget about them, pretend like we got swept away in the crowd and couldn't find them." I told her.

She smirked, "I like the way you think, Sayaka." She chuckled.

I let go of her hand and she walked up next to me, so that we were walking beside each other, "Let's do that." She told me.

And so we walked off, her slipping her hand into mine at one point, and I let her, knowing that it was an innocent gesture, all while making idiotic jokes that only we could understand.

One time she put her arm around my neck, grinning, "You know, I love when you wear a kimono, it's like a little present for me to take home and unwrap." She joked.

I laughed and playfully shoved her, "You're so horrible, you little charmer." I joked back.

_I would continue to joke around with her, making light of the situation, while on the inside, with every little joke made a part of my heart twist and die. I just know that I have to stifle these feeling the best that I can, and put on my bravest face. I know that for the rest of our lives we'll be known as nothing but "just friends"._

_**The End**_


End file.
